von Manuela Kattel
Waking up with all the sadness in which I drowned myself before, knowing that it is not changing,
every day for on and on.
Making Coffee, maybe breakfast for the first time in the week, and the hunger keeps on coming
cause the stress won’t pass away.
And there is a fear of losing, losing the control I have.
And with every single drown the pain gets bigger every day,
until I can’t reach the point, where I fell like changing something…
Until I can’t find a way for what changing might be something…
Every second I start blaming, blaming myself for what I do,
what I am and what I’m not.
And every second I keep thinking that I’m not the one you want.
And the school makes it not easy, blaming everything on you, and the fear of failing classes
isn’t funny don’t you know.
Every teacher keeps on saying, I am here for you in need, OK Boomer, don’t you think that you are
not the one I need.
You can’t help me getting better, but can change what you do, cause the peace I have been lacking,
is because of you.
6 new assignments waiting to be done, 6 more hours of feeling numb, 6 more excuses why I
couldn’t finish in time, and 6 more questions in my brain…
Am I even good enough?
Am I just seeking for attention?
Am I just stressed?
Am I just out of control?
Am I just not strong enough?
Am I Just ready to be gone?
Cause I have to keep on!
I can’t just stop it in a day, I have everything to feel okay, but there is something that keeps me off,
off of the trace, off of the people who keep me on.
Before it started, before it all changed,
in this before I felt okay.
The pandemic came faster than I could think and then everything started to go on repeat…